Just When I thought my heart was safe...

I thought, yeah, I'm doing OK, not too bad considering. Maybe time to go write in the blog... And yes, I know I don't come here to write nearly enough anymore..But hey, life has a way of getting in the way of doing things I really want to do sometimes, and something has to give and usually it's my blog.

Well, I'm back...probably because I can not sleep, haven't slept much since last week to be honest. Yeah I'm tired but, hell, I can sleep when I die, right?

I'm finding myself in quite a dilemma...I met someone, or should I say know someone, who, ..ummm, all of a sudden, just became someone I really want to know better.(cue cupid) It's not a good situation, but the feelings seem to be returned whole heartedly. We are both fighting the attraction, and failing miserably, at least I am. Personally, I think he's running fast the other way!

I think, I finally, after all these damn years, met my match in all ways..I used to scoff at the thought of a
"SOUL Mate", I'm not laughing anymore. Now, I'm running scared... I, my friends, have met the man of my dreams.( and WOW the dreams I have been having lately), And the funny thing is I've known him for years now..Just never saw him for who he really is.

A handsome, highly intelligent, some what shy, yet confident and very compassionate man!
A contradictory I find intriguing to say the least! His intelligence alone makes me feel like I don't know enough, He challenges me to want to be the person I've always wanted to be, A wife,the perfect hostess, the enticing lover, a help mate, one of a twosome, kids and all..and oh yeah, did I say the enticing lover? lol.    But alas! even if we found a way to be everything else, kids will never be part of it, too late now.
Why didn't we meet years ago?

And it makes me wonder, why at this point in my life did I meet this man? I know there is a reason, has to be!
But, what really scares me the most is, is this punishment for something I did wrong, a sort of karma, slapping me upside my head? Yeah, that would be about right for me...I never get anything I really want in life..ever.

But you ask why can't you be together, if you both feel this way, (well, at least I do, he implies it) It's this simple...He is Married...Let's face it if he WAS happily married,(which because of things he has done and said makes me think he is really unhappy), would I be enough temptation to turn his head? NO way!

I'm nothing special, though he seems to think I am. He's the one who is way above me on the social ladder, the one who has it all going for him, why on earth would he be interested in me, poor pathetic excuse for a woman if I ever saw one! I'm no spring chicken anymore, and certainly not the slim, beautiful woman I was a few years ago! Illness and medications have taken their toll. But he sees something in me, not sure what, but it's had me feeling like a high school girl with her first crush all over again, instead of the cool, calm, collected, sometimes confident, sometimes intelligent woman, who locked her heart up tight, to stop from letting lecherous men into her life to rule her and use her, and make her forget that this shit hurts!

But NOoooooo..that sneaky man scaled my towering walls with flattery, smiled the sexy smile, and looked at me with such longing, that, even though I saw him coming, I forgot to turn and run, He leaped over my castle walls, and broke through my cold hearted exterior, yeah that one, you know, the one I put up to protect me! WTF??? Has the Ice Princess finally been melted?

Seems life just throws me one sucker punch after another, and loves to dangle that forbidden apple in front of me and sing out loud..Na na na na na na!

Well, folks, I'm tempted enough to take a huge bite out of that apple, real tempted.

And yes, I know how he feels, tempted but scared to take that bite, though he was man enough to kiss me!(yeah, shocker! I saw that coming too and did nothing to stop him, imagine that?)
Makes me want more, more then I can have. OH, I want him, in every which way..and I would show that man what a real woman can do to him, he might turn me inside out, but given the chance, I can give that back and then some..

But, I am a coward, a no one.. just little old fashioned me, feeling the pangs of cupid's friggin arrow..only it seems he aimed wrong and hit me in the ass! And now that's where my head has taken refuge, and it seems it wont come out! I t figures it would happen... Just when I thought my heart was safe.............